I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
