Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
