I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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