youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
