Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
