note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Never underestimate the power of titties
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
