Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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