I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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