i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
