I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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