I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
