you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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