Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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