Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
