I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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