come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
