i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
