She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
