After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I just shit out all my problems.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize