oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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