if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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