Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
