I just pynch a tree in the face
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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