why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My breasts were aching with rage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
