i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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