why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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