I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
