Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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