Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
