But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize