At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
