dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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