Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
