im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
