My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize