I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
