Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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