i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
