This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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