apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
