Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
