Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
