I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
