oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is the high leading the old right now
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
