She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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