you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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