as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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