Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
babies were throwing up all over the place
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
