Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
