I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
