Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize