Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
