Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Alive.
So much puke
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
