Who did Billy Mays play for?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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