stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
