I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
