Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
