I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
