If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
