My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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