I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
