separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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