hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
