He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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