if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
