FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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