I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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