i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
