I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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